Bogey N Doose Return, getting t-boned by a fellow motorist. Doose, playing his gameboy, is unaware of the eminent tragedy that is about to take place. I knew I had a month off, so this one had to be good, but what is even better is imagining the outcome. The real life Bogey actually got T-Boned, and instead of flooring it to get out of the way, he slammed on the breaks like an idiot, literally in the headlights.
We last left Bogey and Doose playing with guns in their apartment, which turned out to be an awful idea. After a long night of drinking, and thinking of hypothetical ways to kill someone, they decided the best way to make a little money would be to hold a family hostage. Immediately after tying the hostages up in the basement, and unsure of who to call to get money, Doose dialed 911 and started making outlandish demands (One 89 Supra Turbo, a pound of weed, Wrestlemania tickets, and a “gajillion” dollars).
Upon turning 18, Bogey and Doose did what any high schooler dreams of doing - moving out of their parents house and buying a pair of shotguns. Their room mate, a semi-rational 23 year old named Josh (who was watching a heartfelt scene from Dawson’s Creek), had no idea, and threw his Kraft macaroni and cheese into the air out of surprise, and terror, when he heard them loading and pumping the shotguns. The brothers took turns aiming the guns at each other and reciting their favorite movie quotes. (To be continued)
Bogey N Doose were at a high school party over the weekend. It wasn’t typical for them to catch wind of such a high-profile social gathering, but in this instance, it wasn’t anyone popular throwing the party anyway. In fact, last time this particular person threw a party, a computer was stolen from his house, multiple windows had been broken, someone had driven a truck all over his lawn, and someone had went through his mother’s jewelry. He clearly hadn’t learned any lesson whatsoever since his previous party, though he did keep his house locked this time.
While a blazing bonfire was reaching heights of fifteen feet, and stereos blasted the latest tunes, Bogey N Doose found themselves having a conversation with a more popular high school student, Dennis Pratt. Dennis was two years younger than the twins, seeing as they had both been held back a year; however, despite this fact, they had a great deal of admiration for him. After a few beers, and a couple joints being passed around, the conversation had shifted topics. From drugs, to school, to sports, to fights, the inevitable next topic was women, or as your average American high school male would say, “pussy.”
Bogey and Doose had very little to add when this topic had come up. They were very awkward even talking to girls. Bogey had kissed a girl before, but it was only once, and she was a lesbian. Doose had a girlfriend for a few weeks, but she later revealed that it was only a sham, for her and her friends own amusement. Dennis Pratt had somewhat of a reputation for being a womanizer, and because of the great deal of reverence they had for him, they generally took heed of his advice.
Casually listening, hoping their limited experience with a woman would not be exposed, Bogey and Doose attentively heard the story, hanging on every word - an unusual accomplishment for the brothers. Known by some of their acquaintances in school as, “the Brothers Retard,” people often had a tough time holding their attention.
“So this one girl,” Dennis began, “we were talking in school, she just broke up with her boyfriend, right?”
The twins nodded and smiled, anxiously awaiting the big punchline.
“She was all over me, I couldn’t say no. So…we skip seventh period, and she says she needs a ride home. We get in my car, and I drive straight to my house, you know? Because my parents are at work.” It was pretty clear where this was going. In fact, most of the people listening had drifted off to do something else. It was not even certain that this was a true story or not. “We start talking about her boyfriend, or whatever. She paused for a second, gave me a look, and I just went for it!”
“Whoa!” said both Bogey and Doose, simultaneously, amazed by Dennis’ courage and gusto
“Thats right, we made out right there.” Dennis smiled, and continued, “we headed up the stairs, and had the CRAZIEST sex! I mean, it felt like my dick was in a blender!”
“That is so cool!” said Doose, peeling the label off of his beer and eating it. This is a habit he had developed at a young age. His mother told him he used to peel the paint off of old toys, or the house, and eat it.
“Yeah, after that she said she wanted me to call her that night. I dropped her off at her house and turned off my phone on the way home, fuckin’ bitch!” This got a chuckle out of the twins, but at this point, they were both starting to focus on other things. Bogey, for instance, was so high he went back to the car looking for three skittles he had dropped on the floor a couple days ago. Doose, while feigning attention to Dennis, had drank too much, and was holding puke in his mouth. Cheeks bulging, he could taste a distinct mixture of bile, cheap beer, and adhesive from the labels he had ingested. He swallowed it back down as fast as he could.
The next day, Bogey and Doose woke up with quite the hang over. Reminiscing about the fun time they had, they both discussed the highs and lows of the party. One of the most significant lows for them was striking a pedestrian with their vehicle on the way home. A high point for Bogey was getting to play with the hose as they cleaned the blood off of the car. Doose’s most memorable moment at the party was Dennis’ story.
His curiosity had peaked. As his mother made a protein shake, and cleaned up, Doose noticed the blender on the counter. Dennis’ words echoed in his head.
“I mean, it felt like my dick was in a blender!”
Doose took the blender into the basement, and booted up his computer. Logging on to one of his most recently, and frequently viewed sites, he had found a video that suited his fancy. This was his chance to have a story of his own. He would no longer be a listener at parties. He would be the one telling the story. So what if all he had was a blender, at least he wasn’t jerking off. At least he was having sex with something!
“This ought to do the trick…” he said, loading his porn. He plugged in the blender, pulled out his package, and inserted it into the blender. He felt the cool metal of the blades against his flesh, and smiled. “Here goes nothing.”
He turned on the blender and shrieked in pain. Blood coated the inside of the blender, as if he had pureed a tomato inside. Wincing in pain, he said to himself, “That was awesome,” and passed out.
He woke up several hours later in a hospital. He had lost a TON of blood, and a good portion of his shaft as well, but because of all the bandages he was not yet sure of how disfigured he would be; however, the doctor did assure him, his injuries were very disfiguring. Doose, who, in his own mind, had lost his virginity, smiled proudly.
Bogey got home from school the next day, and he did the same thing.
- Doose: Bogey, did you piss in the sink?
- Bogey: No, I peed in the urinal.
- Doose: What urinal?
- Bogey: The sink!